So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
