I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
