I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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