Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
