Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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