just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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