forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Randomize
