my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
it was like his penis was on wheels.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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