OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
