I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My bed smells like the plague
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