it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
