The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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