Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
