i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
