i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
