The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I am available for nakedness
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
