just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
