so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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