yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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