She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can't put those talents on a resume
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
