Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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