when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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