Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
