this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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