checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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