I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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