Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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