Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
