Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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