Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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