i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
In America we eat man semen.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
