I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
