Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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