I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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