So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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