Please, let me fuck your mom
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize