i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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