I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
