It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
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