very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I FOUND THE LEGS
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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