Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
