I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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