what day is it and did you see me today?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
