can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
