Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
