I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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