Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
