Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
