I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
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