I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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