My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
