So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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