my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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