Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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