I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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