thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I need a burrito and a hug.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize