Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
