I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
