Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
