Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
