i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
