Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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