Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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