I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
