I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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