Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
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